When asked if I would allow for an interview, I was flattered and very excited. Finally, the tiny ice crystal of popularity had begun to tumble, soon to be a snowball and then a drift and finally an avalanche. But then I was informed that the interview was not for me; it was for my laptop. “My laptop?” I said, scoffing at what I believed to be an absurd notion. I was quickly assured, however, that this interview would not require my company. So, I suppose I’ll just go pick up a book and sit in the corner.
Interview 1 – The Laptop
First of all, what is your overall impression of your owner?
Ha! That’s a great question right out of the gate. It stands to reason, though, that he’ll eventually be reading this. I mean, it’ll be on his blog, right? So, I wonder how honest I should be. Heh heh … Bo’s great, actually. Well, I mean, most of the time. He’s got fairly gentle hands, and he’s a pretty fast typist, which I like. Some folks, when they type, it’s like chickens pecking at the ground. Tick … tack … tick tick … tack … DELETE key, DELETE key, DELETE key, DELETE key … tick … tack tack … Oh, it drives me batty. But Bo’s movements are pretty fluid. He does start and stop a bit, especially when he’s writing a short story or blogging, but most of the time he’s pretty constant on the keys; that makes for a pleasant feeling. I guess the best way to describe it to you is if someone were scratching your back. You’d like a constant, fluid movement rather than a rake of nails one way, a few seconds of nothing, another rake or two, a long pause, et cetera.
Criticisms? I suppose he sometimes leaves me on a bit too long. With the Internet running, or his iTunes. He doesn’t realize it takes energy to maintain those programs. Powering down would be best, but I understand that’s not always convenient. I just wish he’d close me up a little more often so I could catch a few winks in between all the work he does. Other than that, though, I guess he’s a good owner. Well, there was that time he let his little girl kick a glass of juice over on me. I didn’t speak to him for several months after that, but we’ve since patched things up, and he’s learned to keep the juice glasses out of my personal space.
What is it like to be the most popular laptop computer on the market today?
I don’t really give it much thought, actually. I mean, the thing about being the most popular is that you don’t always feel unique. I try to stay positive, remind myself that I’m an individual – that I’m my own hardware and OS and all – but then I look over at some of the other desks at the office, and there’s Kristi’s Macbook Pro, and there’s Tebbe’s Macbook Pro, and on my network there’s a half-dozen more. What’s important, I think, is reminding yourself that it’s not what’s on the outside that makes you you, it’s what’s on the inside. No one has the crazy stories that Bo writes on their hard drive, or the same arrangement of widgets, or the calendar items, or all this ridiculous music. Whenever I start feeling like just another piece of one massive pie, I think about all the filling that makes me unique.
Did that metaphor work? Sorry. Bo’s a little better with the metaphors than I am.
If you could have a celebrity take you anywhere and operate you for a day, who would you pick?
That’s a tough question. Probably President Obama, but only if he was flying somewhere; I’ve always wanted to see Air Force One. Did you know they have wireless on that plane?
If he’s not a Mac guy, though, maybe the kid who played Harry Potter. He seems to have soft hands.
What about a person out of history?
Well, provided he would be shown how to properly operate me, I’m gonna say Einstein because of how smart he was. … Or, to really get imaginative, what about Jesus? No, wait, Buddha! Okay, can I have three? I mean, who wouldn’t want to see what kind of e-mails those three might write, or what their favorite websites would be?
Finally, what are your plans for the future?
Oh, I don’t know. Ever since the juice fiasco, I’ve been pretty conscious of my own mortality. I mean, I was in intensive care at Apple for a few days, and an experience like that changes you, you know what I mean? I’m just trying to live every day with a positive attitude, as free of freezes and vague error messages as I can manage to be. I’m sure one day I’ll find myself obsolete. We all will, eventually. I guess all I can do is remind myself of the good times, and enjoy how much convenience I bring to my owner, whether he always acknowledges it or not. I won’t lie, a “Thank you” every now and then would be nice. But I didn’t get into this line of work for the praise, you know?