Tag Archives: family

Back to the Present

It is a difficult thing to live in the present. I’m reading a book that encourages the cultivation of a deep awareness of the present moment, of a recognition of the soul over the ego. But I am also living in a period of transition right now. As our time in Germany draws to an end, Leigh and I must look to what is next, which means looking forward and, for better or for worse, fashioning plans, no matter how tentative. I must look for job opportunities (and, when turned down, do my best to dust myself off and maintain this deep awareness of the present moment and this recognition of the soul). We must consider how it will be possible, in light of a struggling economy, to even make ends meet or how bread will find its way to the table. We must concern ourselves with Katy’s Jo’s needs – what will she eat, what will she wear, how will she learn? And soon, that will be replaced by where she will learn among other questions that come with age.

Having faith that things will turn out all right is a very difficult thing. In this life, we have to rely on others to help us navigate the system, whether it is networking with others in order to find a good job, establishing relationships with counselors and teachers so we can have help us in rearing and teaching our children, or even simply sitting down with friends over a bottle of wine and some conversation to share our opinions on how we go on surviving each and every day.

As for me, I do my best to maintain trust in God. I am thankful that the opposite of faith is not doubt. If so, none of us could claim faith. The opposite of faith is despair, and even at times when I feel myself slipping into this miry pit, I remember that God has blessed me with two things: people who, in their wisdom, can help me through, and breath in my lungs that keeps me waking up each morning to make the impossible future the possible present.


Filling the Blanks: A Belated Thank-you

My wife is making brownies – the smell has reached us in the office, and I’m excited because she makes brownies (and most other baked goods) much better than I do. I don’t know what it is about baking a mixture of milk, eggs, flour, oil, butter, sugar, etc. but I just can’t seem to get the hang of it. I’m thankful I have a wife who loves it and is good at it. She fills that blank in my life.

My Wonderstuffs

Across from me is her desk, where all her craft supplies and scrap booking materials are scattered. There are also colorful petal pushers, jars full of zippers and buttons and string. But all these things are pushed back and in the center of the desk are Thank You cards – she is writing thank you notes to some of our supporters. No matter how strongly I recognize my indebtedness to the people who make this missionary life possible, actually writing thank you notes often slips the mind of this writer. I’m thankful that she remembers how important this is. She fills that blank in my life.

She tells me often of all the structuring and scheduling she is doing for our daughter – how much Katy Jo eats and when, how much she should be eating a month from now (solid foods and mother’s milk), and a month after that, and after that. She talks out loud and throws in a rhetorical “right?” at the end of her sentences; I have learned that it is not my opinion she is seeking, but simply an affirmation that – “Yes, that’s exactly right.” And she is right. She does so much planning and concerning herself with our future, which is great because not only do I not consider the future very often, but I can hardly be found in the present or the past either. Most of the time I’m somewhere else entirely make-believe. I’m thankful she shoulders a double load of concerns for the little things that have to be thought out. She fills that blank in my life.

She sometimes takes hold of my shoulders or my face to make sure I am looking at her, and she asks me if I know how much she loves me. I say that I do, but truthfully, I don’t think I have more than a vague idea. She loves me so much more than I know, and while I could say the same thing about her, it is not my love for her that amazes me, but her love for me. It is this love that carries her through those moments when I am utterly infuriating, and this love that bears forth so effortlessly day after day. I am thankful that she loves me, because, if she didn’t, I really wonder if I’d actually be the person I am at all. She fills that blank in my life.


Sabbath Reflections: Week 6

Today felt like a true sabbath. It began with my wonderful wife tending to the baby (who woke up at seven AM) so that I could catch a few more z’s. Every weekday is her day to entertain the baby in that 7-9 AM period before the first nap; consequently, I am glad to watch Katy Jo on the weekend days so that she can sleep a bit longer. However, I think my bride knew how tired I was this morning after the two of us stayed up until almost midnight watching a rather long movie (Polanski’s The Ghost Writer – decent, but quite long-winded, story-wise). She tip-toed out of the room, blessing me with a little extra rest.

Later on, in between some odd jobs and taking turns watching our eight-month old scoot around (she’s mobile now, and apparently believes her feet are plenty secure for pulling up on anything, thus requiring constant supervision), I was able to spend some time writing, feeling my way through a story, stumbling along the path of sentences dimly lit by the flickering lantern of a concept. However, creating in this way often feels more like a release than a stress, a respite rather than work. I put reality on hold and spend time in another world where I am little more than a people-watcher, following my characters as they think and speak and interact with each other. I’m like a man in the park, reclining on a bench in the background and breathing in the energy of life that surrounds me. For me, writing a story is a great way to honor the sabbath. Once again, I have to acknowledge my wife – I’m glad I have someone who has been patient enough to learn how important this odd, seemingly unproductive work is to me, that, when given time, it becomes a labor that replenishes rather than drains.

Today, the rest simply continued. Since I’m still wearing my Aircast and receiving ultra-sound therapy on my injured foot, I cannot take part in my usual Sunday ritual of indoor soccer, something I usually look forward to all week and am often preoccupied with on Sunday. However, today, I can honestly say that I hardly gave Sunday-night soccer any thought at all. Instead, I rested on the floor of the living room, watching Katy Jo goo-goo, ga-ga, and da-da-da-da to every little object I held out to her, watching her strain to pull herself onto the couch to try to get to Mama, watching her waddle-crawl back and forth from me to the toys. Earlier, while Leigh and I shared a sandwich-and-soup lunch, and I was spoon-feeding our daughter applesauce, Leigh said that she really felt like we were a family and asked if I felt the same. “We are a family,” I said. This isn’t a simile – this just is.

I’m blessed beyond measure. I have a wonderful wife, a beautiful baby girl, and constant opportunities to enjoy life. I don’t mean to brag in this post – that’s not the point. What I mean is that sometimes we are spoon-fed glimpses of wonder, like occasional mouthfuls of applesauce. But every once in a while, God shakes the apple tree and the wonders rain down upon us. We are overwhelmed. These are good days indeed.

I try to remember the way these good, restful days make me feel whenever I find myself trudging through the bad ones. I think this is part of the reason for the sabbath in the first place – to rest up and grow strong for the next round. That might sound pessimistic, but only if you haven’t placed your trust in just how restful the good days can be.


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